someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
