I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
