She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
