No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
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