I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
