You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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