I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize