We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
