So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
