i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
