I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
