by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
