her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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