tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
