it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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