My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
