If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
