Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
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