GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
