Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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