Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
