Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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