Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
