Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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