I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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