The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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