I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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