How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
