if you like me you must not know who I am
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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