woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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