I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
