The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
