Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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