hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
