You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
