you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
