I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
