I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
