i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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