I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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