So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I need a burrito and a hug.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
