I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
