Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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