he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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