i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
