you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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