Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
ttyl tear gas
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
