Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
