My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
