are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
