i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
