Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
