Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
