Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
