I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
