She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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